“When I’m with you, there’s no worries. When I’m with you, there’s no shame. When I’m with you, I’m secure.”
We choose to live against the grain.
Dougherty is gone…for the weekend and I’m alone…in a bar.
He had left quickly, and given me no advance notice, mumbling something about his brother and golf. Normally I pined for moments like this, placing Josh’s phone number on the ready. But now with the affair over, and myself as my only companion, I dreaded the weekend. So, I did what I always do when I was facing with that emotion.
At first it was just a ploy to get out of the house, to escape the confinements of the empty space surrounding me. The environment taunted me as I paced over the hardwood floors. I can’t recall how long I just wandered around before my mind began building up a plan. By the time Carol was making her way home I had grown anxious, moving my body towards the door with her while my lips formed a lie to convince her to take me to the only place I wanted to be.
Could I have gone shopping? Yes. A movie? Possibly. I could have gone anywhere, and done anything constructive but rather I rooted up old habits. The thought of going to a bar gave me a level of excitement I had detached myself from for the past month. The truth of it all was that I craved another escape, and I wanted to seek it out with the help of my old friends vodka or whiskey. I needed the mellowness that sipping a heady concoction gave me. I wanted to be present, but not entirely. Yes, I was already numb. But the kind of numb I found in alcohol was much more enjoyable than the numb I found in heartbreak.
The night escalated quickly the moment I sat on the barstool. The more liquid I allowed down my throat, the more I allowed my will power to die out. There were so many voices floating in and out of my ears. So many potential conversations to be had and yet I sat alone. Losing the control I had successfully sustained for the last month of my life. It was clear like the sky after a fresh rain, I needed him. I needed Josh.
The wounds from the set visit were still raw, gripping at my thought process and replaying Josh’s performance till I saw it without even trying to. It became a game with myself, how close could I get to calling him without actually calling him? It started with just eyeing the phone from afar which in then turned to gluing my gaze to the screen. But alas the torment finally ended the moment I stabbed his name on the screen.
I did this four times, ending the call the moment it connected. By the fifth try I had finally let it ring long enough to hear his irritated “Hello?” on the other line. He sounded pissed, hell he probably was pissed, but all I could do was smile. Smile at not only hearing him speak to me, but also because I had beaten down my hesitation.
“Come find me,” I replied, dragging the words out long and low. The suspension heightening further as I ended the call and moving out to the dance floor.
The music reverberates out of the speakers and across the room, moving down to the floor and sending a vibration beneath my feet. I sway my body in beat with the pulsating rhythm; my hands tossing my hair while my hips jolt left to right. I am alone in the center of this floor, unnoticed and untouched by the bodies surrounding me. My buzz is high but I’m not nearly as close to drunk as I want to be. Not nearly as close to being able to drown the thoughts of Josh in my mind.
As the beat becomes uneasy and quick, so do I. Flipping my hair back and forth while my hips rock side-to-side, each jolt more prominent than the last. I feel the heaviness of someone’s eyes before I have the chance to take a glance their way. My heart kicks into drive as I slowly turned my sights in their direction. I try to keep dancing, I try to keep on moving, but he freezes me in place. Standing there in his dark leather jacket and his V-neck tee that exposes all the loose patches of chest hair–it’s Josh. His rich brown orbs now black, burning a hole, never taking a blink. My insides dance faster than my actual feet, marveling at how close he is to me. Marveling in the fact that he is actually here.
I’m caught between a dream and a nightmare–the imaginary mixing with the reality. Eager for what’s to come, I lift up my pointer finger, signaling for him to walk forward. With a large swallow, he steps, clearing the sea in front of him without having to touch a single body. I watch this while seductively biting my lip, spreading the fingers of my free hand over my thigh.
His approach takes seconds but it feels like minutes. His chest is bumping into mine but it doesn’t feel close enough. It will never be close enough. “Aub-” he begins but is silenced quickly by my hand cupping over his mouth.
“You found me,” I playfully whisper into his ear.
“Third bar is the charm,” he snaps, pulling my hand off of his mouth. “What are you doing?”
“What does it look like?” I boast, lifting my hands up in the air and turning myself in a circle.
“How did you get here?” he asks further, his voice trying to overpower the music coaxing out of the speakers.
“Carol!” I yell back, my hips taking control of me once more.
“I told her I was meeting an old friend from college,” I giggle moving closer to his chest once again.
“What’s so funny about that?” he asks, watching my arms as I slowly slip them around his neck.
“It’s funny because I never went to college.”
“So you lied? That’s going to be fun to watch you work out of.”
“I fibbed and I don’t even care.”
“You’re drunk Aubrey.”
“Only a little.”
“Come on. I’m taking you home.”
“No!” I argue back, resisting his attempts to pull me off the floor. “I’m not going home right now!”
“And why is that?”
“Because,” I begin my voice level dropping, “right now all I want is for you to either dance with me or take me in the back and fuck me.” The words are as much of a shock to Josh as they are to me. The alcoholic haze proving itself to be stronger than I originally thought. Josh’s eyes widen as his jaw clenches, the sweat beads glistening off his forehead from the house lights.
“That’s not why I’m here,” he replies seriously his eyes dead panning over me.
“Then you should leave,” I say proudly, turning around so he has a clear view of my ass.
“Aubrey I’m not joking with you right now,” he growls, grabbing my hips and pulling me into his chest. I smile at the gesture and not because of his sudden burst of control but because I can feel his erection pushing into my lower back.
“Who said I was joking?” I answer, pushing my back end further into him and making it clear that I know he’s just as aroused to see me as I am to see him.
“If you don’t leave with me in the next 30 seconds I will pick your too skinny ass up and carry you out of this damn bar.”
“Is that a promise?” I quip, snaking my hand around his neck once more while dusting my lips against his. I feel the tiny bumps of skin raise beneath my fingertips and I smile with satisfaction.
Still got it.
“I’m at 10 seconds, what’s your final decision?” he breathes, his eyes never leaving my mouth.
“Whatever one involves you,” I add before I feel him pull my body tighter towards him, guiding the two of us out towards the door. His fingertips pressing over my knuckles shoots a sensation up my palm and through my chest, bringing forth the familiar weakness I’ve come to know with him.
Once we reach his car, he jerks open the door, aiding my body down into the seat. With a slam, and six steps over to the driver’s side, he’s inside next to me. I slink my shoulders into the seat and turn to face him.
“Explain to me what’s going on,” Josh demands, turning in his seat as well.
Rather than answer I turn my eyes to look into the back seat. The same one where I took a risk, hunting down a release all while learning to let go. “Hmmm…the back seat,” I coax dragging my finger down the leather. “Remember when you fucked me back here?”
His intake of breath is so sharp that I wouldn’t be surprised if he caused himself pain. “Don’t dodge my question Aubrey.”
“I’m not dodging anything, I’m reminiscing. Remember what you said to me? I think it went something like ‘I love you in this position…it’s like you’re completely surrendering yourself to me…’’
His eyes snap shut and the sound of air exhaling out of his nose fills the car. “Why did you call me?”
“I accidentally dialed you, what is the big deal?”
“Bullshit. Four missed calls is not an accidental dial. What are your intentions, anyway? You go a month without speaking to me and then tonight after a couple of drinks you can’t stop bothering me?”
I throw my head back with laughter. “That’s rich Josh. I was just doing what you asked. You remember right? I was giving you space.”
“I told you I needed time, not for you to just disappear.”
“You’re such a fucking liar!” I yell, pushing my finger into his chest, “You told me it was the end for us. You kicked me out your house after all I told you! After all the trust I put into you, you just turned away!” Expressing my thoughts to Josh came so easily. Though I am pulling at my hair and rolling my eyes, I feel the weight lift up slowly off my chest until it is no longer there. “Ever since the day I met you, you’ve done nothing but drive me mad! You make me feel things that I hate acknowledging because I know I can’t have them permanently. You inject me with life and motivation that I never knew I wanted. It’s a constant up and down with you! I crave you, to know you as a person but when you’re gone and you’re not here I despise you because I feel so weak.”
“Goddamn it Aubrey!” he roars back, slapping my finger away, “I just can’t keep up with you. One minute you’re opening up, showing me things I know no one else has gotten the chance to see. But then, the next, you’re shutting off and locking me away. I hate not knowing which side I’ll experience that day.”
“You knew from the start that it was an affair,” I pause to motion my finger back and forth, “You knew we were taking risk. You pushed until I had no choice but to just give. We fucked up Josh. We shouldn’t have let ourselves get so involved.”
“Why? Because having real emotions for someone scares you? Let’s agree on something shall we? You’ve been pretty fucking miserable this past month, right? Because I know I have. I’m sick of acting like I’m not.”
My mouth falls slack but I have no idea how to reply. So instead I slide across the seat, my arms circling around his neck while my face dips between the crook. “Can we just agree that it’s really good to be here with each other right now?”
“You’re making it really hard for me to think straight,” he replies, slipping a hand up on my arm and squeezing it gently.
“Be honest, when we’re together, thinking straight is impossible.”
He sighs and turns the key in the ignition. The fear of leaving him after all the work I went through shoots up inside me and I feel I might panic.
“Please don’t take me home!” I beg quickly, my hand throwing itself over his while it’s switching the gear from park to drive.
“After all this trouble you went through?” he replied, turning his face to mine.
I smirk proudly and fall back into the seat. My hope resurfacing over the thought that although we aren’t better yet, there is still an opportunity to make it so we are.
The ride to Josh’s is a silent one. In fact no words are spoken, not even as we pull into the garage and help ourselves out of the car. As the lock gives way to the force of his key, I push forward and help myself inside. Dragging my unstable legs down to the familiar walk to his bedroom. As I fumble on through I spy an open bottle of Jack, along with the half drunk glass resting on the counter.
“Guess I did interrupt something after all,” I mumble, pointing to the mess.
“You and I may have had the same mind set tonight,” he replies, following a careful distance behind me.
Our silence returns as we move down the hall to his room. The weight of what I want, and what I know we will not do becoming heavier the closer I get. I fall into his bedroom door, moving around the space as if I’ve lived here for years, the comfort I feel is strong. After jerking down the zipper of my skirt I shimmy it free, followed by the expertise removal of my bra from under my loose tank top.
I crawl on all fours over the bed, the feather light comforter pushing into my palms and knees cushioning them as my body weight gives out. I nestle into the left side, my eyes watching Josh. “Will you come and lay down with me?” I request, circling my hand over the empty space to my right.
“You should get some sleep.”
“You know damn well I’m not tired.”
His shoulders fall in a slump as he moves cautiously to the free side of the bed. “I’ll lay with you on one condition,” he says, removing his hands from his pockets, and pulling off his shirt.
“What’s that?” I question, my teeth raking over my bottom lip, hoping his answer is one laced with sexual innuendos and promises.
“We don’t do anything but talk.”
I groan and fall back down into the pillows.
Not what I had in mind.
He smiles, and then nestles himself in next to me. “Remember the talk we had, the day after…well, after you navigated me?” As he says the last two words he arches his brow and smirks.
I roll my eyes, “Yes, I remember.”
“Well, can I ask you something I’ve always wanted to since that day?”
“How did you know?” he asks, propping himself up against the headboard.
“Know what?” I ask coyly, twirling a strand of hair between my pointer and middle finger.
“Look at me.”
“Dougherty. When did you realize you were in love with him?”
“Is that seriously what you want to talk to me about? When I fell in love with my husband?”
He shrugs his shoulders but doesn’t crack, his determination stronger than my will to argue. “You’ve told me all about how you fell out of love with him. But not once have you mentioned how you fell in love with him. You didn’t just marry Dougherty for the hell of it, I don’t buy that excuse for a minute.”
I sit stupefied and maul my bottom lip. When did I know? I pull at my mind like it’s gum stuck to my fingers. The longer I remain silent, the further I feel his judgment. The more his pride builds, the more my courage dwindles. I’m not trying to stall and I hate that I actually am. “Why are you asking me this?”
“It’s not that hard of a question.”
“It very much is. I’ve been with Dougherty for six years. Yes, we’re not happy, and I’ve done things that would suggest otherwise but there’s love somewhere in our relationship.”
“Vowing for it, and demonstrating it, are actually two very different things.”
“Fine!” I snap, pounding my hands atop the comforter and shooting upright. I catch my now ragged breath and bring it back under control before finally speaking. “The night we met, or the morning after I should really say…was after he found me, in the alley.”
“Why were you in an alley?”
“Single child drowning her parents turbulent divorce trial away with the help of Jack and his good friend coke, you know the rest…”
“That’s right, you drank and mixed with the wrong people. Trouble maker even back then.”
“No,” I snap, “I was neglected.”
He stays quiet for several moments and I can feel my words trampling his excitement over the idea of me being a problem child, raising hell and breaking hearts. I turn my eyes up to him in a scowl, slowly changing the subject back. “I suffered from alcohol poisoning. I was still a minor so the hospital had to notify my parents. I’ll never forget the way my dad stormed into the room. Screaming at me until his face was three different shades of red.” I pause and pull my knees up, hugging them close to my chest as the memories hamper with my will to finish the story.
“I didn’t know Dougherty at all, but he was in the room with me. Watching, making sure I was okay. When he saw the way I was reacting to my dad he stepped in, and…” I stop, putting my face in my knees.
“Tell me,” Josh whispers softly behind me, his fingers running down my back.
“He stepped in front of him and said that what I had done didn’t matter because he was there now. There to take care of me.”
“And that meant a lot to you didn’t it?”
“It was the first time someone had openly expressed a concern, a thought, an emotion like that towards me. I was overcome with a sensation I had never felt before, and because of that I assumed it was love.”
“It was love, Aubrey,” Josh replies, scooting up to me up, his breath inches from the back of my neck. “What you felt was love. Without a doubt.”
“Then why am I here? Why did I cheat?” I question, not caring if he knows the answer. The confusion in my voice mixes with the pain over failing. Failing at the one aspect of my life I should have been good at.
“You’re here because the love you have towards Dougherty, and the love he has towards you, are two very different kinds.”
“And what’s the difference cupid?”
“You see Dougherty as a higher figure. A man who picked you up off the ground and taught you how to stand on your own two feet. Is he non-observant? Yes. But that doesn’t change the fact that you admire what he’s done for you.”
I close my eyes and let all he has just spoken wash over me. The truth etched within is overwhelming and I feel off kilter. Josh has somehow taken the higher standing, turning what I’ve told him into a lesson I didn’t even know was there to learn.
“And how does Dougherty love me?” I question, turning my face back to Josh’s.
“You want my honest opinion?”
“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t.”
“When he looks at you, he’s not captivated,” Josh begins, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, dragging his finger down the side of my face as he resumes, “He loves you in the nurturing sense, he enjoys being able to watch over you.”
I don’t know what you were like six years ago, but I know you are not even close to who that girl was anymore. It’s something within you Aubrey. It needs to be noticed, and looked after.”
I shake my head, “I am finding that very hard to believe.”
“The night we met I was practically beside myself with the thought that you were alone. It just didn’t seem possible. And that’s what upset me the most when I found out you were married. Not the fact that you cheated, but the fact you weren’t completely mine.”
I can’t decide if the air is escaping my lungs or the entire room itself. The beating of my heart triples, threatening to burst out of my chest. For the first time tonight I am clueless as to what to say. What is he trying to tell me? I am reading so far into what he has just said and the falling look on Josh’s face is proof that he see’s me doing so. He knows what every inch of my skin looks like. He knows all the ways to curl my toes, all the ways to make me moan. He knew me so intimately and yet here I am struggling to share with him the information that matter’s the most.
“Aubrey it’s not-”
“Don’t,” I whisper before I lean in and softly place my lips over his. We’re barely pushing into one another but I can feel the tension, and the need for force. If I push in a little further, so will he. We can turn this delicate cease fire into a torrid rehashing of actions, but I can’t will myself to make the next move. I pull away, lowering myself back down onto my pillow. “We should go to bed.”
Josh runs his hands through his hair, falling back down onto the bed as well. I feel he is going to say something, I can tell by the way his lips are parted. But he doesn’t. Or maybe he does, I’m not sure because the moment I close my eyes I slip away.
My eyes open slowly, each lid deciding whether or not to fully comply. My mind not wanting to stop the building of a dream where Josh and I don’t have any obstacles in our way. My feared emotion over the idea he wants to completely have me for himself no longer holds me down. I don’t want to tell him this, but show him.
Lying on my side, I notice my left arm is stretched wide, filling the space where Josh’s body should be. Confused, I slowly crane my neck up, eyeing the bed mark that still remains. I sit up just as I hear the turning of the knob, followed by his silhouette appearing in the bathroom doorway. He moves to shut the light off but pauses- my eyes lock on his, the hold keeping him still. I can’t see much of his face, or much of his half naked body before me, but that doesn’t matter. My insides twist together with anticipation, my heartbeat begins a steady uphill climb and my lips water at the thought of tasting his.
Without a word, I pull myself up on my knees, crawling to the edge of the bed before rising back up, removing my top in the process. My breasts fall heavy and feel full. The cool air, and building expectations of what I want to happen harden my buds and send a tingle across my chest.
Leaving the light on, Josh walks forward, taking slow step after another, not settling until his chest is an inch away from mine. It’s here now. I can see his eyes. The same brown eyes I peered through tonight, only this time they’re lighter, not consumed with anger, but instead consumed with need.
Unsteadily, I drag my fingertips down his chest, each soft touch of flesh a shock to my system as memories emerge, and emotions are rehashed. I place a featherweight kiss on each side of his chest, not wanting to touch, but wanting to leave an impression.
“Aubrey,” he breathes and his chest rises up, “I don’t want to do this tonight.”
“But I need you to,” I urge softly. “I need you so much right now.”
His hands find the small of my back and pull me forward, bringing our foreheads together. “I’m not pressuring you anymore.”
“And I’m not taking no for an answer.”
Pressing his forehead into mine, he runs his fingers down where my underwear meets the tops of my legs. He squeezes the spot tenderly before jerking me forward, throwing me off balance and down onto the bed. In one fluid rush he is on top of me, his lips rejoining with mine while our tongues entice the other. Lost in the taste, I don’t notice my hips rising up while his hands make quick work of my underwear.
Working completely off memory, his mouth finds my nipples, his teeth biting gently against the buds while his tongue circles around. I arch my head further into the mattress, the moan filling the silent room while my lips curve up into a smile. He does this with each one, time and the dwindling minutes on the clock not a concern.
I reach to pull down his boxers but discover they are already off. Grabbing at his bare ass I pull him into me, his erect cock finding my sex and sliding right inside. The noises that escape each of our throats are laced with relief and pleasure
Rather than moving inside of me, he turns left, flipping our position so I’m now on top. I throw my head back and relish in the way my arousal has just heightened. Grabbing his hands, I force them above his head, while my ass works itself up, and then down.
For once in all the times we have done this it isn’t about all the things I was letting him to do to me. Rather it was about all the things he was letting me do to him. He wasn’t the controller of the pleasure, I was. I decided how fast or how slow, how rough or how gentle. It was as if I was manifesting into someone else, claiming what I knew to be mine and what I was entitled to gain. I ride his cock with precision, my left hand continuing to hold his down against the mattress, while my right pointer finger slipped inside his mouth, encouraging his tongue to stroke it like he would if it were my clit.
I am so satisfied and I have yet to come, wrapping myself up in this primal need to make this last for however long I can. Each quick movement up spikes my pleasure, and the fast descent pushes me closer to the end of it all. Eventually the fun game stops. I lose my ability to focus on anything other than conquering this orgasm. He knows this too, sensing it by grabbing my hips and helping my rhythm. We pick up speed and in a matter of minutes I reach it. The peak, roaring through me like a wave while one hand claws into his chest and the other grabs hold of the headboard.
I hear him grunt several times and then stop, his hands holding my hips over his cock while his release fills my core. I don’t know who endured the most pleasure, nor did I feel that mattered. We were on an equal playing field, the same certifiable measure of knowing exactly just what the other needed.
I fall down onto him, my warm cheeks pressing into his rapidly rising chest. I can hear his heartbeat against my ear and the sound soothes me. Helping me collect my breathing while slowly rolling off of him, my front facing the door to his bathroom while my back faces him. I hear him remove the condom and then he moves too, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me tight against his rigid form. I sigh and close my eyes, relaxing for what feels like the first time in weeks. I know by the way his body sags into mine he is doing the same, and that is what makes all of this enough. Neither of us needs to talk and ruin this moment we had just created. I fall asleep in his arms, the feeling of his warm breath against my neck my comforter, and my proof that for now, everything is right.
I awake the next morning feeling flush from the warmth Josh’s body is emitting over to mine. My eyelids refuse to stay closed but my body refuses to move. Savoring the way his limbs are wrapping around mine, the way he is blowing the air from his mouth against the blade of my shoulder. This moment. We are lost again, where the world outside these bedroom walls falls short. My gaze carries around the room, wandering over the meek walls lacking decoration. I crank my neck up to the right, watching as the clock blinks from 11:50 to 11:51. I smile to myself over the fact we’ve spent the entire morning in bed lost in sleep.
I lay with Josh for several more minutes before my restlessness overcomes me. Gently lifting his arm off my waist, I slip up off the bed and toe across the floor. Plucking up my bra, while stepping into my underwear. I head into his kitchen. The fact that Josh is a single twenty year old living alone can be proven true just by looking inside of the fridge. His shelves are almost bare, scattered with food that is either a day too old, or lacking in the appetite department. I settle on a cup of yogurt to curb my appetite and lean myself against his counter.
I eat in silence, eyes focused on his fridge. All the pictures of him with family, and friends. The apparent freedom and undeniable happiness that he experiences are emotions I want to someday know, and not just alone. I want them with him. So wrapped in my trance, I don’t even see him slip up next to me. Arms circling around my waist, while his lips find the base of my neck.
“Good morning,” he mumbled groggily, the sound of his voice still sleepy heightening my need for him even more.
“Good afternoon,” I reply.
“Getting started on breakfast without me?”
“Just a little snack. Would you like some?” I dip my finger into the cup and scope. Lifting it up before his lips, I part them with ease as I slip it, along with the yogurt inside his mouth. Josh closes his mouth and begins to suck. Adding to my now growing arousal, he takes his fingers and wraps them around my wrist, holding my hand in place while his tongue continues to circle along the tip.
I stare at Josh with wonder, his eyes holding me steady, the heaviness preventing my knees from collapsing out from underneath me. All too soon he pulls my finger out of his mouth, licking his lips in satisfaction.
“That tastes incredible,” he whispers, kissing the pad of my finger before dropping it gently down to my side.
I nod and returns my eyes back to the cup, “Well there is plenty here if you want more.”
“I would hate to spoil breakfast,” he replies, walking closer to, his fingers grabbing my hips and jerking me closer.
“There’s always room for dessert Josh,” I add back, turning my face to meet his.
I am past the point of stopping myself as I fall into his chest, and connect our lips for our first kiss since we had fallen asleep. Ours mouths seal as one and I immediately ran my hands over his hips, moving them down slowly over cotton of his boxers, not stopping till both of his cheeks are beneath each of my palms. If I thought his ass looked great, the way it felt beneath my hands as I squeezed them tightly was even greater. His hips bucked into mine, pushing the now bulging erection into my sex. I moan faintly as I part his lips with my tongue, a personal declaration to explore his mouth further. If I wasn’t aroused then, I was the moment he played back, his course tongue stroking back as fingers tangled themselves within the others hair like we were losing them inside of a web.
Josh groans again as he lifts me up, and I comply wrapping my legs around his waist as he hurriedly, and also awkwardly jerks me around plopping my ass on the counter. Our breaths are heavy and our hands are quick as I pull up his shirt, spreading kisses up along his chest while his fingers moved down my stomach, over my legs, and then down inside my underwear. Hesitation isn’t in the cards as his fingers clutch the sides of my underwear, and pull them down.
Half naked, and spread wide Josh furiously pulls down his boxers, slipping on a condom I didn’t even know he had on him. After several long seconds of fumbling, he’s ready and he slips inside of my folds with ease.
“Fuck, you’re so wet, baby,” he says through clenched teeth, wrapping his hand behind the back of my neck and pulling me back to his hungry mouth. The rhythm of his hips in complacent with mine. Fast, but not because we want it to end, but because it doesn’t feel like it is enough. My moans are quick and loud, my fingers are desperate as they claw against his back.
“Aubrey,” Josh breathes his lips moving across my jawline, and down my neck. “Aubrey I love you,” he whispers pausing against my shoulder, his fingers clutching tightly to my thighs as he pulls himself in, then out, in again and then out once more.
I hear the words right before I hear the bomb drop. Denoting, and exploding millions of vulnerable pieces, most which are already damaged.
“Josh… Please don’t say that,” I whisper, my voice pained by the thought.
“I have too Aubrey,” he adds, “I don’t want you thinking otherwise.”
I pull my face in closer to his neck as his rhythm slows, changing our action from rough sex, to serious lovemaking. He pulls my face up and places both of his hands on either side of my cheeks.
“You went looking for something that night we meet and the fact you actually found it terrifies you.”
His ability to pinpoint me exactly is unnerving. I don’t feel cornered, but I don’t feel ready. I can’t say those words back because they belong to someone else, even if I mean them or not.
I don’t know what triggers the tears but they fall, hot and heavy they seep from my eyes and spill down my face like rain on a window frame. Josh pulls me taught against his chest and wrap me in his arms.
I continue to cry, unable to stop. Unable to bring myself to say the three words I so badly want him to know. He’s so fearless and carefree. I am scared and tied down. I want nothing more than to be like him, to run away with him and escape our worlds. I want nothing more than to have each other. I hate myself for finding him because now that I know he exists, I can’t pull myself away.